Last time I wrote, I felt utter fear and despair. I finally took a moment to realize how scared I was. Going to Church the next morning kept my fears from the shinning through. Walking in a few minutes late, I quickly sat down next to a dear friend. After a few moments she leaned over and whispered, "That guy is sitting all by himself and I've never seen him before. I feel so bad." Looking over I quickly recognized him as one of my younger sisters friends who would be graduating high school this year. Feeling the need to help him feel welcome and more comfortable, I jumped up and moved over to sit with him. The poor boy had no idea sitting next to me would only leave him squirming.
I had no intentions of going to church that morning to receive personal comfort, strength, and love from my Heavenly Father. It was fast and testimony meeting (meaning anyone who feels prompted to share their testimony and love of their Savior Jesus Christ can go up to the pulpit). One of the dear sister missionaries in the ward got up to bear her testimony. She stated with great conviction "There is no darkness so deep that the light of the Atonement cannot reach us."
That's when the tears started streaming down my face and the boy I sat next to in an attempt to make feel more comfortable, started squirming. Sorry about that!
But with all jest gone, I couldn't believe how those words came. They came in the direct metaphor I had used. Coming home that day, I decided to follow the light by placing aside my fear. It started with talking with my parents. We realized biofeedback was not for me. At least not at this time, not with this counselor. The second time I went to see her, I had a mini panic attack in the waiting room; panic I had never felt before. Leaving her office that day, I felt more despair, more confusion than I had ever left myself feel especially with this situation.
We also talked about my brother coming home for the summer. I expressed the stress of the idea of him staying inside the house instead of his "apartment/dorm" in the garage. Right now at this point of my recovery and my life, I can't cope with the idea of trusting him fully. Anxiety hits when I think about him being home this summer. Then I realize I potentially will be working three jobs and leaving in August for another job and school. That doesn't leave extra time around to be nervous about.
Here is what I've concluded:
Guiding light should not be confusing. In fact God tells us He is not the author of confusion. Of course at times in our lives confusion will arise as we do not always have the eternal perspective of God. It is at those times we need to evaluate if we are focused on the light, or distracted by the vast darkness all around us.
Yes there are still parts of my past that I haven't discovered how they may affect me in the future. But I have once again learned to place my trust in God. I have once again learned He will send people to us. I have once again learned He is ever aware of me and expresses His perfect love for me in ways I can see and acknowledge everyday.
