I find it hard to sleep these days. When I first got back from my mission, I could never fall asleep. Exhaustion would hit me, yet hours later, sleep still would not come. My dad's alarm would go off and I would realize it was 4:00am. Knowing he would be worried to still find me awake, I would fake asleep. My sister would call me at 11:00 am waking me. The day would proceed in a haze as I still felt unrested.
Finally as I progressed in counseling and in my day to day life, I began to sleep during the night instead of the early morning hours. Energy and motivation to accomplish tasks grew. Yet the pain in my body has not fully resolved. Now I am going back to do biofeedback therapy. During the same week this decision came about, I started my Mary Kay business, and applied for a part time data entry job. I got the job and my Mary Kay business has been a great help! The week I started doing biofeedback the news arrived that my brother would be coming home for the summer.
Now I find myself not sleeping once again. I feel utterly drained when Friday comes. Every night around 7:00 pm I want to crawl into bed but wait until midnight. The pain has increased once again. Life continues on. At least the ibuprofen is helping this time.
I've always known when I can turn into the wall, the side of the couch, the door of the car, and feeling these objects holding me there, I feel protected. Before I was so desperate for sleep, I downloaded multiple sleep meditation apps. That's when I realized I find someone talking to me a great comfort. Sleep comes more easily. With the two combined, sleep comes almost immediately. I didn't realize this until last night. I feel safe when there is a voice, a male voice, that sounds smooth, gentleman-like with something solid to lean into. Odd seeing as how my abuser was a strong male right?
Here's the thing: I don't remember hardly any of the abuse. I remember one time before it happened and two times right as it finished. Most would consider me lucky.
Yet there was a movie that came out about two years ago; The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Remember it? Most of my friends were SHOCKED as the ending revealed the boy had been molested by his aunt. I called it from the first moment the aunt was introduced. The movie focuses on a high school boy who used to have these blackouts. Just as he is about to get the girl, make the big move, she touches his thigh and he suddenly remembers: his aunt abused him. That was the first time I became afraid of remembering.
What happens if I remember? What happens if when I get married, I end up in panic attacks on my honeymoon? What happens when I un-rationally panic about my kids abusing each other? What happens if I sit too long with my own thoughts, my own quite, my own mind, my own emotions? I fear the breakdown would never end.
It's all black. There is no light at the end of tunnel, no silhouette against the darkness. To mean it means it must be very, very deep. It's the opposite of a Mt. Everest high. If I can't see the bottom, how am I supposed to ever see how to climb back to the top?
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