May 30, 2014

Silent Mountain Resounds

I originally started this blog while serving my mission in Jacksonville, Florida.

Today we move in a different direction.

My values and my faith have not changed. There will be times when it might appear I go backwards in my testimony but I pray you will bear with me and give me patience as I try to continue up my present mountain.

I don't really know where to begin or how to start. I know keeping a journal has provided such a relief for me. With this current topic, my main frustration is that no one ever talks about. We beat around the bush with it, insult the accused, briefly teach our children about it, but never really believe the statistics that come with it.

SEXUAL ABUSE.

I came home early from my mission because of the sexual abuse I experienced as a child. Thirteen years after it stopped, I finally told my parents. Thirteen years of believing lies and being the perfect sexual abuse victim.

You have to understand, my abuser is my brother. Our family situation is very unique in that we still keep contact with my brother. He is a registered sex offender. He is a pathological liar. He is controlling. He is devious.

He is still a child of God.

Did it hurt when trying to confront him and all he talked about was how bad it was for him? Yes. Does it hurt knowing he still is throwing his life away? Yes. Did it hurt watching him continually ruin his relationships as I walked behind him trying to mend the pieces? Yes. Did it hurt to know he made me, an innocent little girl at heart, confess to my parents that I was a victim? More than anything in the world.

Yet I do not label him as "The Sex Offender." He is my brother. I hope that one day he will turn around and make his life better. I want more than anything in the world for him to recognize he is of worth, he can change, and he can stop hurting those around him.

I start this journey with these claims for you to understand one thing: Though there will be many emotions, many stages of recovery, yet the love for my brother, my hope for him, will not change.

There is one more claim I would like to address. For the sake of my family, all comments and contact with any reader's will be nearly non-existent simply because you're opinions are not my purpose in this blog. They are not the focus of this blog. While I may find myself expressing rage against them at some point, that is mine to have, not yours.

My purpose is to speak out. I will not be silent any longer. I will not be a victim any longer by allowing those hurt by abuse feel the need to be silent too. Our struggles today are no longer physical like the pioneers crossing the planes; they are mental, emotional, and spiritual. It is time we focused on how to overcome these silent mountains. It is time to cover new territory, a new Mt. Everest if you will. These are our days, our journey. Is it not time to recognize we are not alone in this fight?