Climbing Down

I find it hard to sleep these days. When I first got back from my mission, I could never fall asleep. Exhaustion would hit me, yet hours later, sleep still would not come. My dad's alarm would go off and I would realize it was 4:00am. Knowing he would be worried to still find me awake, I would fake asleep. My sister would call me at 11:00 am waking me. The day would proceed in a haze as I still felt unrested.


Finally as I progressed in counseling and in my day to day life, I began to sleep during the night instead of the early morning hours. Energy and motivation to accomplish tasks grew. Yet the pain in my body has not fully resolved. Now I am going back to do biofeedback therapy. During the same week this decision came about, I started my Mary Kay business, and applied for a part time data entry job. I got the job and my Mary Kay business has been a great help! The week I started doing biofeedback the news arrived that my brother would be coming home for the summer.


Now I find myself not sleeping once again. I feel utterly drained when Friday comes. Every night around 7:00 pm I want to crawl into bed but wait until midnight. The pain has increased once again. Life continues on. At least the ibuprofen is helping this time.


I've always known when I can turn into the wall, the side of the couch, the door of the car, and feeling these objects holding me there, I feel protected. Before I was so desperate for sleep, I downloaded multiple sleep meditation apps. That's when I realized I find someone talking to me a great comfort. Sleep comes more easily. With the two combined, sleep comes almost immediately. I didn't realize this until last night. I feel safe when there is a voice, a male voice, that sounds smooth, gentleman-like with something solid to lean into. Odd seeing as how my abuser was a strong male right?


Here's the thing: I don't remember hardly any of the abuse. I remember one time before it happened and two times right as it finished. Most would consider me lucky.


Yet there was a movie that came out about two years ago; The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Remember it? Most of my friends were SHOCKED as the ending revealed the boy had been molested by his aunt. I called it from the first moment the aunt was introduced. The movie focuses on a high school boy who used to have these blackouts. Just as he is about to get the girl, make the big move, she touches his thigh and he suddenly remembers: his aunt abused him. That was the first time I became afraid of remembering.


What happens if I remember? What happens if when I get married, I end up in panic attacks on my honeymoon? What happens when I un-rationally panic about my kids abusing each other? What happens if I sit too long with my own thoughts, my own quite, my own mind, my own emotions? I fear the breakdown would never end.


It's all black. There is no light at the end of tunnel, no silhouette against the darkness. To mean it means it must be very, very deep. It's the opposite of a Mt. Everest high. If I can't see the bottom, how am I supposed to ever see how to climb back to the top?

Silent Mountain Resounds

I originally started this blog while serving my mission in Jacksonville, Florida.

Today we move in a different direction.

My values and my faith have not changed. There will be times when it might appear I go backwards in my testimony but I pray you will bear with me and give me patience as I try to continue up my present mountain.

I don't really know where to begin or how to start. I know keeping a journal has provided such a relief for me. With this current topic, my main frustration is that no one ever talks about. We beat around the bush with it, insult the accused, briefly teach our children about it, but never really believe the statistics that come with it.

SEXUAL ABUSE.

I came home early from my mission because of the sexual abuse I experienced as a child. Thirteen years after it stopped, I finally told my parents. Thirteen years of believing lies and being the perfect sexual abuse victim.

You have to understand, my abuser is my brother. Our family situation is very unique in that we still keep contact with my brother. He is a registered sex offender. He is a pathological liar. He is controlling. He is devious.

He is still a child of God.

Did it hurt when trying to confront him and all he talked about was how bad it was for him? Yes. Does it hurt knowing he still is throwing his life away? Yes. Did it hurt watching him continually ruin his relationships as I walked behind him trying to mend the pieces? Yes. Did it hurt to know he made me, an innocent little girl at heart, confess to my parents that I was a victim? More than anything in the world.

Yet I do not label him as "The Sex Offender." He is my brother. I hope that one day he will turn around and make his life better. I want more than anything in the world for him to recognize he is of worth, he can change, and he can stop hurting those around him.

I start this journey with these claims for you to understand one thing: Though there will be many emotions, many stages of recovery, yet the love for my brother, my hope for him, will not change.

There is one more claim I would like to address. For the sake of my family, all comments and contact with any reader's will be nearly non-existent simply because you're opinions are not my purpose in this blog. They are not the focus of this blog. While I may find myself expressing rage against them at some point, that is mine to have, not yours.

My purpose is to speak out. I will not be silent any longer. I will not be a victim any longer by allowing those hurt by abuse feel the need to be silent too. Our struggles today are no longer physical like the pioneers crossing the planes; they are mental, emotional, and spiritual. It is time we focused on how to overcome these silent mountains. It is time to cover new territory, a new Mt. Everest if you will. These are our days, our journey. Is it not time to recognize we are not alone in this fight?